It's not how hard you hit, but how hard you can GET hit and keep going forward. -Rocky
I somehow want to believe that, but how do you manage to go about doing that? From dealing with your past when it always comes back to haunting you... in other words.. this is when your past is catching up to your present.
Now. You go through so many different changes in your life and you try so hard for every change to be a positive outlook so that you can somehow secure a safe and emotionless future. I call this "a new beginning"
Searching and searching for a way out and you relize that nothing can ever cure what has created some form of a deep emotional negative impact that
penetrates every brain cells in your head that makes you vulnurable in every way possible no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you are sane.
Being Sane to me is when you are living honest, freely, happy, possibly having a good idea of how society works, having no worries etc.
I'm not sure of anyone who has created any of the above traits for themselves, but let me know if you are out there, I'd like to know how you did it.
For me, my whole ethical behavior is based on alot of things, mostly trying my best to be social and important because i figure this way I won't have to live in a poor way.
In my past, I am precieved as the enemy , me being who I am I see my decisions and the choices I made differently than most would, in other words, i am not the enemy, more like the fellow victim.
Today I remembered it all, because of some unecessary research I find myself doing out of curiousily. People are grimy, vicious, and they won't forgive.
But yet they are the ones making it, for ex: we work all our lives to earn a decent living, Have we? I don't think so, we are the ones who end up stirring up resentment, envy, and even manifestation of insecurities.
Drug Lords, grandtheft, Bank robbers, Scam Artists... the bad boys of the world. Not going to start on that, I prefer just to mention it.
It is unfair to tear somebody apart when her health and exuberance threaten you. I can so relate to that, this is sort of what I brought upon myself, I am responsible for what I caused right? I am once again the enemy.
At some point in your life you find happiness, then it ends, you are left alone with all the pain and suffering, then slowly you begin to lose more and more of the ones you care about, in the end... those people and even YOU, you realize that we have all moved on and found a limited source of happiness that we will hold on to because you do not want it to go away.
Holding on to something you want is not easy, especially when you thought you had what you once had with someone else and that someone else STILL has it and you've lost it.
Where do I go from here.
I can't do what I do best, that won't work, I use to believe that a man has only one escape from his old self: to see a different self in the mirror of some woman's eyes. I could present everyone the naked disturbing truth what I have became in the last 3 years but that won't do any good would it?
This is my life, I have secrets I carry around that is constantly on my mind to spill every chance I get, because i want to. But i can't risk it, I'm better left not knowing what the concequences will be. I have accepted the fact that I can't share them with anyone, I know I'll always be alone and feel lonely because of it.
This is the life I choose, not to make anyone feel disgusted or confused about me, but it's my conflicts that I have to deal with. Like I said, This is me and it's always going to be me.
In conclusion I find it neccessary to employ an old literacy device and I beg you for your forgiveness in advance.
Don't hate the player... Hate the game.
Your Friend-KalEL
